Yu Yu Hakusho and the Holy Grail
by Zero-Zero-Fourteen
Summary: Something that is totally overdo. It's my version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail done to YYH. I hope you like it. Each chapter is a scene, and I'll be posting the characters at the begining. Enjoy, my peeps!
1. Scene 1

**Zero-Zero-Fourteen:** Okay. I know this is way overdo...

**Yusuke:** Tell me about it.

**ZZF:** Shut up!

**Kuwabara:** Tell me about it.

**ZZF:** sighs and roles eyes Anyway, but I finally made it. Yu Yu Hakusho and the Holy Grail. And I accidentally took off the list of the characters and who was who, so I'm just gonna do it the way I want. I'm sorry that I didn't rehold the elections, but I really want to make this before I loose the script again. The cast list is as follows for this scene:

Yusuke: KING ARTHUR

Kuwabara: PATSY (Arthur's trusty stead)

**Kuwabara:** Hey, isn't the person who does Patsy die twice?

**ZZF:** Yes.

**Kuwabara:** Then Why am I that person?

**ZZF: **Because you're the stupidest! That's why!

**Kuwabara:** goes mumbling off

**ZZF:** Let's continue with the listings.

Toyua: FIRST SOLIDER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS

Hiei: SECOND SOLIDER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS

**ZZF:** Okay! There you go! Let's get this show on the road!

* * *

Scene 1

Ext. Castle Walls Day

_Mist. Several seconds that were filled with noise that was supposed to not be there. superimpose 'England AD 666'. After a few more seconds–_

**Yusuke:** (from somewhere in the mist) That's supposed to be 787!

_SHUT UP! It's supposed to be like that! Now, anyway, we start to hear hoofbeats in the distance... silence I SAID HOOFBEATS!!!_

**Kuwabara:** Oh, oh, sorry!

_hoofbeats sound they come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes _KING ARTHUR_ played by _YUSUKE_ followed by a _SERVANT–

**Kuwabara:** I'm not a servant! I'm Patsy!

_I said... SHUT UP! Anyway, the _SERVANT _is banging two halves of coconuts together._

**Yusuke:** Why his he banging two halves of coconuts together? That's stupid.

**ZZF:** You know what's really stupid?

**Yusuke:** What?

**ZZF:** Your mom! Now shut up!

ARTHUR_ raises his hand_

**Yusuke:** Whoa, there!

**ZZF:** You're Arthur! ARTHUR!!

**Yusuke:** Sorry!

**Arthur:** Whoa, there!

SERVANT _makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. _ARTHUR_ peers through the mist. Cut to a shot from over his head. On the castle battlements a _SOLIDER_ is dimly seen on a castle. He peers down._

**Touya:** Do I really have to do this?

**Yusuke:** If I have to, you do too.

**Solider:** Halt! Who dares passes the castle of the ice master?

_sigh_

**Arthur:** It is me, Arthur, son of Uther Pojonamous! I is from the Castle of Spamalot

_CAMELOT!_

**Arthur:** Oh, yeah, Camelot, King of all Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all the UK.

_It's England!_

**Arthur:** I mean, England!

_Pause_

**Solider:** Get away!

**Arthur:**I am... whatever I just said, and this is my trusty steed, Patsey! We have ridden the length of a football field, so that I can find Knights who will join the Cort at Spam... I mean, Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

**Solider:** What? Ridden on a horse?

**Arthur:** Yes.

**Solider:** You're using coconuts.

**Arthur:** ... What? Sorry, I was looking at the coconuts.

**Solider:** You're using two empty parts of coconuts, and banging them together.

**Arthur (scornfully):** So? We've ridden since the snows of summer covered this land, through the Kingdom of Mecca.

**Solider:** So... where did you get the coconuts?

**Arthur:** Through... we found them.

**Solider:** Found them? In Mecca? That coconut that you're servant's holding is tropical.

**Arthur:** Sorry, I was staring at the coconuts again. What did you mean by whatever you just said?

**Solider:** Well, this is a temperate zone.

**Arthur:** The swallow may fly down with the sun, or the house martin or the plower seek heated roadways in winter, yet these are no strangers to this land that we stand on.

_A moment's pause._

**Solider:** Are you trying to say that the coconuts migrate?

**Arthur:** Yeah. They hitch a ride with some animal.

**Solider:** What? A _swallow_ carrying a freaking _coconut?_

**Arthur:** It could grip it by the husk, whatever that is...

**Solider:** It's not a question of where the damn bird grips it, it's a simple matter of weight–ratios...

**Patsy:** Is that math?

**Solider:** Yes, it is. Why?

**Patsy:** Cuz I'm not good at math.

**Solider:** Well, whenever you get the chance, come over here, and I'll teach you...

**Arthur:** Shut up, Patsy.

**Solider: **Well, anyway, a five-ounce bird can't carry a one-pound coconut.

**Arthur:** Well, it doesn't matter anymore. Go and tell your master that Arthur is here fro, Spam... Camelot.

_A slight pause. Deathly silence. Swirling mist of death._

**Solider:** Look! To maintain velocity, a fucking swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and fucking ninety-three fucking times every fucking second. Right?

**Arthur (irritated):** Please!

**Solider: **Am I right?

**Arthur:** Shut up now before I put a spirit gun to your head!

**Hiei as SECOND SOLIDER (SS):** It could be carried by an African swallow, you know.

**First Solider (FS):** Oh, fuck yes. An fucking African swallow maybe... but not by a fucking European swallow. That's _my_ fucking point...

**Arthur (losing patience):** Would you fucking _ask_ your fucking master if he wants to join the fucking Knights of fucking Camelot?

**FS (to Arthur):** SHUT UP! (to SS) But then of course African swallows are fucking non-migratory. They're pretty fucking tasty.

**SS:** Oh, yeah. I had them when I last went down to Africa.

ARTHUR_ raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to _PATSY

_They turn and go off into the mist._

**FS:** So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway because they would get shot down and the person would eat that fucking tasty sparrow and the damn coconut.

_The_ SOLIDERS'_ voices recede behind them._

**SS:** Wait, a bloody minute, what if two tasty swallows carried it together?

**FS:** No, they'd have to have it on a fucking line.

_Stillness of death. Silence of death again..._

* * *

**ZZF:** Hope you liked that! I'll have the next one up soon! And I'm sorry for not updating Yu Yu Yu Crazy lately. I'll try to get to it. 


	2. Scene 2

**Zero-Zero-Fourteen:** Okay. Here's the second chapter. The characters today are:

Kurama – The Cart Driver/The Dead Collector

Hiei – Large man

Mr. Akashi: The Dead Body

**Yusuke:** Hey, Mr. Akashi's in here?

**ZZF:** Yep. And he's also gonna be another person later on.

**Yusuke:** Damn.

**ZZF:** Oh, and for ForgottenKaze-san, I just wanted to make Touya sound mad. 'kay? 'Kay. Here's the second scene of the play!

**Touya:** (as his voice fades out to the show) But I _WAS_ mad! In fact, I _AM_ mad!

* * *

Scene 2: Death and Devastation.

_Cut to Terry Gillaim's sequence of Brueghel prints, whatever they are. Sounds of strange, evil medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wails of lost souls and groaning_._ The last picture mixes through into live action. Big close up of contorted face upside down. A large, deformed leg falls across it. There is a creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from the camera to show the next scene is amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart that is in a town, lumbering away from the camera in a town. It is pulled by a couple of ragged, dirty, emaciated _WRETCHES_. Behind the cart walks another _MAN_ who looks_ _slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale of complete and utter improvishment-like. He wears a black hood, but doesn't look sinister._

**Cart Driver (CD):** Bring out your dead for consumption! I mean, disposal!

_Following the cart through a wretched, impoverished plaque-ridden village caused by Hiei._

**Hiei:** Hey!

_Shut up! A few starved mongrels run about in the mud, scavenging. In the open doorway of one house, an _OLD WOMAN_ represented by Kayko..._

**Kayko:** glares

_is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a worn out matt. The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a _MAN (Kuwabara) _tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four _NUNS (Botan, Koto, Juri, and Jin)_ with gigantic cooking mallets._

**CD:** Bring out your dead! (Whispers) So I can eat them!

_There are legs sticking out of windows and doors and over the roofs. Two _MEN (Kayko again and Genki)_ are fighting in the mud – covered from head to toe in it. Another _MAN (Koenma) _is on his hands and knees, eating mud at a fast rate. We just happen to catch sight of another _MAN (Gamemaster) _falling in a well._

**CD:** Bring out your dead for me!

_Some_ PEASANTS (Itsuki and Mr. Iwamoto)_ drag a body up to the cart. It stops. They load the body on the already empty cart and the _CART DRIVER _recedes some payment. He smiles. Further down the road, a _LARGE MAN (Hiei) _comes out of a house and the cart stops again. The _LARGE MAN_ is carrying the _BODY _of an old man by the ear._

**CD:** Bring out your dead!

**Large Man (LM):** Here's one!

**CD:** Ninepence.

**Body:** I'm not dead!

**CD:** What?

**LM:** Nothing. There's your ninepence.

**Body:** I'm not dead, you ass-hole!

**CD:** 'Ere. He says he's not dead. I can't eat him.

**LM:** yes he is. (sits on the cart)

**Body:** I'm not you shorty.

**LM:** Hey, look at the title. "LARGE MAN", you Body.

**CD:** Actually, you ARE short.

**LM:** Shut up! Now take this body.

**Body:** I'm not dead.

**CD:** He's not dead.

**LM:** He'll be dead soon. He's very ill.

**Body:** I'm getting better, shorty.

**LM:** You're not. You'll be dead dead in a few minutes.

**CD:** I eat take him like this. It's not regulations.

**Body:** I told you I'm not dead!

**LM:** Oh, shut up, you baby.

**CD:** I can't take him like this. I already told you.

**LM:** DO me a favor. I saved your life, after all.

**CD:** I already told you I cant.

**LM:** Well, if you're not gonna hang around for a couple of minutes till he's dead, I guess I'll just have to eat him.

**CD:** (drooling) I promised I'd be at the Roninsons' today. They've lost nine today.

**LM:** When's your next round, by the way?

**CD:** Thursday.

**Body:** I think I'll go for a walk. (tries to get out of the cart)

**LM:** (pushes him back in and stands on him) You're not fulling anyone, you know. (To Cart Driver) Isn't there anything you could do? I mean, like that rose whip of yours?

**Body:** (singing unrecognizably) I feel happy, I feel happy!

_The _CART DRIVER_ looks at the _LARGE MAN_ for a moment_. _Then they both do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The _CART DRIVER_ very swiftly brings up a club and hits the _BODY

**LM:** (handing over the money and saying very loudly) Thanks very much.

**CD:** That's all right. See you Thursday.

_They turn... and suddenly, the village fall on their hands and knees, touching forelocks, ect. _ARTHUR _and _PATSY_ ride into shot, slightly nosy with their entrance, they ride through without acknowledging anybody but each other. After they pass, the _LARGE MAN_ turns to the _CART DRIVER.

**LM:** Who's that homo?

**CD:** I dunno, maybe a king.

**LM:** Why do you say that?

**CD:** He hasn't got shit all over him.

* * *

**ZZF:** Hope you like that. Please, review, I would really like to hear your input! 


End file.
